Goodbye to blueberry pies

I’m just sad. And that doesn’t happen a lot. Most of the time I’m just indifference. Or sad but hide it anyway. Now I’m just plain sad.

It could be contribute to either the fact that I’m in my time of the month or Federer just lost to that bull Nadal. Seriously, the committee is so fucking bias. They obviously turn blind eyes to everything Nadal done wrong. He took a long time for serve, for break, and those medical time-out? Every single players know about his scheme. Obviously not the committee though. Nadal maybe number 1, but he doesn’t deserve it. Rather Djokovic, the lesser of two evil. Or Federer, for the best.

But I’m still sad.

I get snippy at Jerkface. Shouldn’t have do that. But then I start thinking about how he would leave and may forget about me, I just get really down. I will miss him, a lot. Lots and lots. Who will I talk to next year? Who will be there to brighten up my day with his witty repartee and his cynical view? He is a big part of my life. And I’m not showing my blog to him again, in fear of he mocking my emotions or existence. Which he already done.

School.

School is a drag. Nobody is coming anyway, so why bother.

But then, if I stay at home, mom’s going to make me do chores. At least at school I’m going to have free time for myself. Definitely not going to Siham’s class tomorrow. I have suffered for one whole fucking year and I’m not letting her crush my confidence for the very last time. One year is enough. At least I’m escaping from here. I mean, what could she possibly do to me if I skip her class? Give me a F? Please, like that’s going to stop me. Beside, I doubt anyone is going to her anyway.

And there is Ms. Nat.

I really don’t want her to go. Just like Jerkface. She, aside from him, is the only who is willing to listen to my inane chattering. And they are leaving me behind with Jerk.

Jerkface is annoying, but he has that charismatic character, that charm in him that make his annoying side bearable. And that brilliance. He really is the love child of Adonis and House. Jerk on the other hand, just plain old annoying, to the level that I feel like punching him every time I see him.

But I’m sad. And still am.

…

…

Goodbye, to blueberry pies…

At lost

I know that I’m lucky. Luckier than you, than Jerk, and than most of the people at our school. At least, I’ve got a happy family, with parents that love me. I don’t have to worry about fights, about divorces, and many different things. Sometimes I wish to worry about that. It’s stupid, I know, like a normal person wishing they have HIV. But I know, they all come from one place – caring. Because we care, because I care.

There are times, numerous of times, when I wish I’m not at lost.

There times I would look at you for so long, look at you just standing there, your face tired and your posture slouch. Your whole being scream “hurt” and “pain” and all I want to do it’s to hug you. Then, I stop myself, because I wonder if you even need me to hug you. You seem so confidence, I feel like I’m being swallow whole just standing next to you. It scares me, and then I get used to it, get over it, and then it comes back, and haunts me again. Lost. I don’t know what to do.

There are times I would look into your eyes, searching for something, searching for an answer, for you. I would look and wish you would open up, talk to me, and then I realize that you never could, because in the beginning, I’m now someone for you to share. Just a moment, I wish I was. But then, it isn’t my place. It’s someone else.

There are times when we text, you sound distance and tired. I keep asking if you’re okay and you always reply that you’re fine. I would stare at the phone for so long, waiting for a truthful answer, waiting and hoping that you would tell me what’s wrong, wishing that I could know. When you tell me bits, you listen to you. Yet, all I could muster out it’s “It’s going to be alright” and some shit like that, because I don’t know. I don’t know what is feel like to be you, to be in situation like you. Even when I told you or someone else “I know” or “I understand that” I’m lying through my teeth because my dead conscience doesn’t allow me to tell you that “I’m sorry, I don’t know, because I’m not living a life like you.” It hurts and aches because I realized no matter how many times I said I understand, I would never do. I’m just a liar in many liars. I search carefully for what to say, just to come to a discovery that I don’t really know what to say to begin with, because I don’t know what is feel like to be like you.

There are times, I wish I could be closer to you. That I could meet you earlier. That I would stop shutting myself out and be there for you. But it’s just wish, and I keep wishing that I’m not at a lost like right now, that I could actually help you. I hate myself for being a horrible person. Then, I know it’s the only way I could deal with everything, shutting out my emotion. I hate myself for couldn’t help you with anything, even when I know I can’t possibly do that, because I just don’t understand.

I wish I could understand.

And then I hate myself for wishing that.

I’m at lost.

Protected: Things I will never say (to your face)

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Senior Jerkface

I mean, I know very well one day this will come. One day, you will be leaving me behind, graduate from this shit-hole, get away from this personal hell that you loathe. Just because most of the time I’m as high as a kite on sugar doesn’t mean I lose my grip on reality. I can be as cynical and realistic as you Jerkface. I just don’t want to show you that side of me. One of us cynical is enough, and I can be happy for both of us, right?

It won’t be the same, jerk. So stop being such smart-ass! You heartless bastard! I mean it. I want to cry, like Robyn did, but I can’t seem to do it. How funny. I can cry a river for my baby Kurt, someone that is not even real, yet I can’t cry for you, my best friend (aside from Ms. Natalie) in these past two years. I hate myself for being so weak, and I hate myself for being so strong. Me, crying. Just imagine how the scene will scare you shitless. You don’t normally see me crying, because I rarely let anyone see. But you’re different. You’re my friend. And even if I keep away few little dirty secrets, you’re still the one I trust the most Jerkface.

Sometimes I want to turn back in time, to erase all the bad time. Like when I confessed to you. It’s certainly made us awkward around each others.

I will miss you a lot Jerkface. Elias isn’t the same as you. He’s scare of me, you don’t, even if I keep babbling on about “method of torturing” or shouting out death threat to you everyday. You see me, he doesn’t. Hell, I doubt he even know me. Text you won’t be the same. It costs money, and it isn’t the same like talking face-to-face. I will miss the way you pace back and forth when you rant, your hug, your smirk, your face, your presence, your everything. School will be even more of a hellhole than now Jerkface. At least with you there, I know I have someone to vent, someone to make me crack, someone to listen to me, someone just…be there for me. Someone like you, because both of us are different.

It won’t be the same. Not anymore. After you’ve gone, Ms. Nat has gone, Ameer, and Adam, there is nothing worth looking forward to at school. Sure, I have Pizza, Lisa, Myra and Salma, but they aren’t like you. They don’t understand my thoughts, or what I said. You’re different. You understand it.

I will miss you a lot, Jerkface. But I’m happy for you, because you’re getting out of here. You are going to fly away. It’s sad, but it’s a part of life, and there is nothing I can do, except to embrace and accept it. So fly, Jerkface, and may this goodbye never mean this end. Just temporary, I hope.

One day, may our paths cross each others again…